i used to be cool

today i got in a weird mood and decided to look over all my old blogs, journals, xanga, etc.
i used to be "okay" at writing, now it's all the same, lame shit.
this is the bullet from a gun named "what the fuck"?

did i just grow up or have i lost all my creativity? who knows? i don't think it's the latter because i've started writing songs/bass riffs that are decent and go well. i'm also big into photography these days.

maybe i've just realized that i'll leave writing to my other friends like marcie, alison, alex, etc.

found a place to live, hooray! me and b-will, should be a good time. you'd better believe it! you'd all better come and visit/house warm. if not, i'll hate you.

i'm confused on a lot of things right now, oh well. that's how life goes i guess.

been in a big acoustic mood lately. one man, one guitar, gold. mason jennings, jack johnson, willy mason, etc. love

maybe i need to find a "significant other", i hate that term and everything that is associated with it. i feel like i'm becoming too selfish having been single/by myself for so long. i need someone to kick me into a sense of providing/caring for someone else that isn't a "friend or brennan" (yes they're two different categories)

i won't let this build up inside of me, the tension that i feel behind my eyes all day every day. not a pain, more of a catch in my throat. choke? torn into pieces. just a nagging insistence that something is wrong. what the hell is wrong with you? i feel the eyes and ears on me at all times, are they really there though? it isn't real. ....i can't maker them real
not really a torment but i do whatever i want to myself and i don't know what to do, it makes me sick. the unrequited dream

the song that no one sings, doesn't seem fair, now does it? nameless or just thoughtless? a combination of both? who the hell are you and why are you here?

we're not that different, me and you. just misunderstood....probably. butterfly.
it's the story that goes on and on. neverending, from the beginning of time till the nonexistant end. the end is near.

i try to be supportive but how can i? honestly, tell me. it just doesn't make any sense to me......at all. tell me something sweet to get me by. what's the point of it all? no one actually cares or accomplishes anything. just those motivated few that no one really likes deep down. pats on the back and cheers but what does it all mean?

what am i doing wrong? oh god, what the hell am i doing wrong? fuck it, it's not worth dwelling on. take it, leave it or shut up. you have no room to talk. blah blah blah

"she says wake up, it's no use pretending."

why so fake? really though, just trying to be different by being the same. individual? think again. just like the others, those others that i hate so much. jealous? not one bit. i feel bad mostly. so young, so lost, so similar. just be yourself, don't pretend. all a bunch of pretentious bastards anyway. jude me, hate me, mock me, it's like fuel, fuel for my bitter heart.

the confidence swells in me every day. more and more, accumulating in an infinite way. i dig it. keep it coming, bah bah bah bah bah.

bitter, lonely, scared, sad, dejected, lost, confused, emotionless, bastardly, anxious

...........but happy. yes, very happy indeed. i love my life. i love my family. i love my music. i love my friends. whether you be in south jordan, salt lake, riverton, murray, midvale, provo or out of state. i love you.....lots. i may not show it always but i miss those i don't see often and wish you were here at all times. you may read this or you may not but either way it doesn't matter.

venting done.

i love you all.

peace and love.

-aaron